Final Project

When I wrote the proposal for this project, I said that it would discuss the importance of emotional connection and how that happens with so many mediums. However, in the last couple of months, this has been something that has been quite a challenge for me to do. I’ve been battling mental illness my entire life; major depression showed up six years ago. And, as it always tends to do in difficult and challenging times, my depression decided to rear its giant, terrifying, and mean head in the last two months. I’ve been in a state of perpetual vulnerability. While that is wonderful, as there are so many opportunities to learn and grow when we are at our most vulnerable, it has also been decidedly scary and almost life-threatening. 

This left me at a bit of a confusing crossroads. My project was supposed to be arguing the importance of connection, yet, in my own life, I was finding that I had to disconnect in order to keep it together and make it through the day. How does that add up? How can I make sense of these two seemingly opposing ideas?

I don’t know that I have a definitive answer to this question. It’s something I’m currently wrestling with, and probably will for years to come. But here are my thoughts on the matter.

To begin my exploration, I will discuss emotion. There are many theories that “describe” emotion; there are two in particular I would like to discuss. One is cognitive appraisal theory, which essentially states that emotions are subjective reactions that occur based on whether or not actions or situations contribute to furthering a goal of an individual. There are also much more physiologically based explanations that state that emotions are what occur when we notice physiological changes in our bodies. What I personally believe is a combination of the two theories: that emotions are a subjective interpretation of events that occur in our lives and are simultaneously affected by our physiological reactions to those events. 

Emotions allow us to connect to others, to make decisions, and to protect ourselves. They provide opportunities for growth and opportunities to strengthen and enjoy what is already present in our lives. In my opinion, they allow us to feel alive. 

The beginning of the semester was very exploratory for me. I came to this class, I opened my mind to a completely new way of thinking, and I took in all I could from this course, its texts, and the discussion of my peers. I sucked the marrow out of this experience, so to speak. Eventually, I realized this was wholeheartedly overwhelming. 

I left this class feeling out of control every day. Some days I would get home and burst into tears. Others, I would be in a rage. More than a few I left feeling helpless and suicidal. This scared the shit out of me. How come I was leaving class with such strong emotional reactions? What was I doing wrong? Why was I feeling so vulnerable and confused?

I soon realized that I was somehow tapping into parts of myself that hadn’t been accessed in years. Not since high school, undoubtedly the more difficult and darkest years of my life thus far. I was excited and frustrated, for, as my therapist always says, we can only truly deal with our demons until we go there, we experience them, we fully invite them into our being and accept them in their entirety. So something in this class was pushing me to deal with all of these emotions that I’ve been pushing away for some time.

I got stuck on the why, as I so often do. Why is this class triggering me? Why am I so emotional? When no answers came, I moved on to where. Where is this all coming from? Where does Dr. Sexson get these crazy ideas about life and mythology and that everything is repeated? Who gave him the authority to decide this? And I got mad. And confused. And it always came back to this class. Every time. Something in this class was getting under my skin.

Most days, I leave this classroom with a heightened heart rate. Sometimes, I’m warm, heated, noticeably upset. Others I am quiet, slow, more subdued. There have been a few where I leave neutral, as I came in, disconnected. There are even a few where I left happy, uplifted, inspired. The majority, however, I left feeling some sort of negative reaction. 

This frustrated me. Thus far in college, I have been able to skate by and do what I needed, write papers, read books, “memorize” information, and not really gain anything from the process. And, at the same time, it didn’t hurt. So while I wasn’t necessarily learning or growing, I also wasn’t struggling emotionally each and every day.

But this class. This class is different. Last semester, I decided I wanted to take a class that would challenge me. I wanted something that would make me think. I was hesitant to take this course, for I knew it would be different from anything to which I was accustomed. But I decided to do it. To put my neck out there and try something new. And as disappointed as I may have seemed thus far, I wasn’t. 

As you may recall, I was very resistant to the idea that life is mythology continually repeated in different bodies. This notion drove me crazy for the first six weeks of class. I hated it. I perceived it as very disempowering, as if I didn’t have control over my actions. Even when Dr. Sexson explained to me that if I am aware, I have the power to choose the myths I embody, I was still frustrated.

After some time, some frustration, lots of tears, and lots of confusion, I’ve figured out why this class has been such a challenge for me. I have been resisting, with every ounce of my being, the idea that Dr. Sexson is right. 

You know how they say acceptance of a problem is the first step in recovery? I wholeheartedly believe that, partially because I’ve been brainwashed by therapy, and partially because it makes logical sense. Once I started to entertain the idea of my life being displaced myth, it all sort of fell together. And I seemingly fell apart. 

I realized that, while each day is a brand new day, I come into them with the same stories and feelings and experiences that I have had with me for my entire life. Yes, new things are added, and yes, some things eventually fade away. However, those feelings, those emotions, those ideas, those perceptions, those wishes, those desires, those needs, those questions, those fears… They are all there. They are all a part of me. And they are displaced into each and every new day.

There are emotions that I haven’t touched in years. They’ve come up slightly, and I’ve pushed them away. Some of the darkest depths of my being are parts of me that I was born with, that I’ve experienced, and that will be a part of me until I die. However, they are parts of me that I have to accept and embrace in order to have power over the myths I displace and therefore the path I choose. Fighting their reality will get me nowhere.

My therapist said something the other day that astounded me. We were talking about my feelings the previous evening and how everything hurt so badly and how I felt so empty and yet so overwhelmed at the same time. I couldn’t put into words everything I was feeling, because, as Emerson theorizes, all language is essentially analogy, and an inadequate analogy at that. I was frustrated and confused and starting sinking into those feelings again. I felt them come up, envelop me, take over every piece of who I am. She asked me how I felt. I was scared. I was alone. I was empty. I was bombarded. I was out of control. I was desperate. I was scared. 

Then she asked a question.

“Can these feelings kill you?”

I thought about it. At first, I thought, of course! Have you not been listening to me? Have you not heard my life’s history? I was angry. Insulted, even. Then I realized something. It was not the emotion that almost killed me. Rather, it was my actions. I may have felt suicidal, but the feeling itself did not stop my heart from beating. That’s when I realized emotions are stories in my head, responses in my body, cultural scripts that I read. They are socialized. They are universal. They are harmless. They are necessary. They are vital to finding meaning in my life. They are nothing, and they are everything. 

I am my own myth. I have many emotions. Some of them repeat themselves daily; some of them take years to pop up again and remind me they exist. Yet they always seem to reappear. Sometimes they are new or a little different, based on the situation. Sometimes they are shared with different people in my life than the previous time. Sometimes they are experienced on my own. But these same core emotions keep showing up, all because of some story being told, some myth being played out in my life that allows me to experience life the way many before me have. 

Yes, sometimes, I have to take a break and put my emotions on the back burner for a bit. I can’t always be 100% on and connected and feeling everything. But that’s isn’t wrong and it doesn’t mean I’m not living my life. It’s a defense mechanism that has been around since the beginning of man; it’s simply another myth. 

Sometimes there’s an obvious connection between my life and a classic Greek myth. Sometimes that connection is a bit more blurry. These connections, however, are all based on situations that bring up particular emotions. Regardless of the theory of emotions you believe, we all experience emotions and we all experience many of the same emotions. This is why we are able to empathize. This is why we are able to connect with one another over mutual (and sometimes seemingly unrelated) experiences. And this, above all else, is why the notion of life being displaced myth truly works.